Maybe love was in this kitchen all along

 Wirt (Over the Garden Wall) - The indecisive, pessimistic realist I totally relate to

Decided today to commit time in the restaurant kitchen, surrounded by food and family. Building upon my father's legacy.

Those who have experience in restaurants know what this entails. Keeping mental note of the incoming orders during lunch and dinner rush while you're alone in the kitchen. Lifting 50lbs of chicken from to prep for the week. Appetizers need to be out 10 minutes from order in, entrees no later than 20. Take-out for Debra is due in 4 minutes. Staying late to wash dishes on nights without a kitchen aid. How little sleep can I function on so I can squeeze in some writing for that manual tonight and go shopping for produce in the morning?

Restaurant work is the only occupation I can think of that is both mentally AND physically demanding. You commit to a lifestyle where it seems you are married to your work. It never seems to end. But I grew up with it and am used to seeing it for what is it. It was never a glamorous thing for me as it is presented now in shows and films. The rewards are real though. The strong bond you develop with the "family" that is the restaurant team. The deep appreciation for good food made with good ingredients. The satisfaction one feels when a server comes back to send table 2's compliments to the cook.

You learn about business, you learn about passion. You learn to be humble and understand work is work. Ego doesn't belongs in the kitchen. You learn that love is the key to surviving and thriving. Our place isn't hip nor is it upscale, but that doesn't mean we're not serious about our food and taking care of our patrons. Our food is honest. Our service is sincere. My father started cooking so he could connect to people, with dishes he grew up with. He always wanted the best he could do, offering nothing less than his whole heart.

Am I devastated in knowing I may never win a bike race, work for Cartoon Network, or travel as a photographer? Yes. Am I afraid that I will go into my prime having not accomplished any of my life goals? Yes.


Hell. Fucking. Yes.


It's terrifying. Growing up and facing adulthood is terrifying. Well, I'm probably considered old for going through this "coming-of-age"phase at age 26 (Maybe it's a quarter-life crisis! The new mid-life crisis).  I'm done being wishy-washy and need to start taking responsibility.

I know that I love food, a lot. And I love my family even more. I loved my father so much and will make him proud of what I could do, without holding back in fear of both possible failure and success. It may lead to becoming a chef. It may lead to other unrelated things. But I'll let the universe guide. I've been searching for a starting point everywhere else. Maybe love was in this kitchen all along. No more being afraid of living.

So, current status: 1:54am. Knees numb, back aching, fingers sliced bandaged, arms burnt. Manual progress: 4 pages. Good day. Not great, but good. My photography career is on indefinite hold, but I'll keep my site up as a portfolio of what I do anyways. Because sometimes I need a reminder that I done good. It might change direction from "Women's Contemporary Portraiture" to "Food I Make Beautiful". It might not. We'll see. As the song goes,

"Que sera sera,

Whatever will be, will be.

The future's not ours to see,

Que sera sera"

Wood between worlds

While cycling today I kept encountering beautiful scenes like this. Phone snap doesn't do it justice! Reminded me of the wood between worlds in Chronicles of Narnia: Magician's Nephew.

Hiatus

This has been a difficult post to write.

My father passed away suddenly, just over a month ago now. I can't believe so much time has passed, it seems like it was only a few days ago we buried him. Doesn't seem long ago when I was chatting to him the day we booked our first real family vacation in nearly 10 years.. But he's gone... I can't even bring myself to mention him using past tense. It's too painful.

For now, I must tend to what needs my attention - the well being of myself, my family and their stability during this difficult time. Therefore my photography business will be on an indefinite hiatus. It doesn't mean I'll stop taking photos - I'll still be blogging here, posting on Instagram, doing personal projects, etc. Just not actively taking work since I feel being melancholy would show in the photos which is not what I want for paying clients.

Thank you for understanding.

Moderation leads to Mediocrity. Intensity leads to Excellence.

♪♫Ryuichi Sakamoto - Oto♪♫

I am lost, purposeless and generally directionless. Of course, there's photography, as work and lately as therapy.

Taking the advice of Ira Glass, trying to focus on creating volumes of work in order to get better. For a while I've gone through the motions. Learned from workshops, shot, made money. My images improved and then, plateaued. While I got poses down, what I discovered is missing was soul, so I started reading literature, poetry, watching films. I've started immersing myself in little known sub-cultures and ignoring rules.

Julia Margaret Cameron, Neil Gaiman, Shostakovich, Dorothy Parker, This American Life. Long walks in search of lines, shapes and patterns. And life. Arthur Rackham, Issuu, binaural beats, David Byrne, Young Adam.

Am I moving forward? Getting lost again. What is it I want? Where is happiness? I've been asleep so long in the Doldrums, and I'm still here in its comfort of numbness, not allowing myself to feel or think, though really, pain is certainly there (yes, an actual ache in the chest). I'm nudging back, gradually turning into a shove. I am not out yet but the strength is building. Can't ignore the fact time keeps moving forward no matter how hard I close my eyes, how long I hold my breath. Like the recurring dreams. Running in molasses, drained of energy, trying desperately to escape. Trying to fight it by being present. Forcing myself to keep turning that page, run that extra quarter mile, pick up that pencil, push that shutter. Depression is a beast no one wants to believe in and excuses are his talons.

"But you don't have a degree, you're not poetic, those inspirational quotes are stupid, you don't deserve...you can't..."

No, shut up shut up SHUT UP! Your time has expired long ago. No more time to be reasonable. What was that quote about doing things in moderation? Oh yes..

"Moderation? It's mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It's the devil's dilemma. It's neither doing nor not doing. It's the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence-sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It's for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die. Moderation...is lukewarm tea, the devil's own brew." - Dan Millman (Way of the Peaceful Warrior)

Keep exploring, keep open, keep going. Depression is its own entity. It has motivation powered by its own purpose and he may never leave. I acknowledge its presence, but can't let it destroy my entire being, which may or may not be its goal. Who knows, I cannot ask. Anyways, again. Keep exploring, keep being curious, and above all,

Don't Fucking Stop.

Listen to Ira. Listen to Neil. Keep going.

Do it.
One step at a time. Keep going.
Finish it.
Fix it.
Laugh.
Repeat.

That's all. No more drama. Ok, not going to lie. Sometimes I just need to cry and scream about it into my pillow. Just for a moment let me indulge in this drug called self pity. Alright, I'm looking back down at my feet now, time to keep going.

Shino - Tests

♪♫David Byrne - Speechless♪♫ 

Album: Lead Us Not Into Temptation

(Soundtrack of film Young Adam)

Suppose - E. E. Cummings 

suppose

Life is an old man carrying flowers on his head.

young death sits in a café

smiling,a piece of money held between

his thumb and first finger

(i say “will he buy flowers” to you

and “Death is young

life wears velour trousers

life totters,life has a beard” i

say to you who are silent.—”Do you see

Life?he is there and here,

or that, or this

or nothing or an old man 3 thirds

asleep,on his head

flowers,always crying

to nobody something about les

roses les bluets

                    yes,

                              will He buy?

Les belles bottes—oh hear

,pas chères”)

and my love slowly answered I think so.  But

I think I see someone else

there is a lady,whose name is Afterwards

she is sitting beside young death,is slender;

likes flowers.

Arbonne FC5 Cleanser

 

Arbonne FC5 Purifying Cleanser + Toner $28

Green juice - check
Regular exercise - check
7-10 hours of sleep - consider it checked

But when it comes to taking care of my skin, I freaking suck. Going through my teenage years as a tomboy and having only to deal with the occasional zit by doing absolutely nothing (and thus maintaining clear skin?), I didn't learn basic skincare, nor did I show any interests in knowing until around 2007 when I did a holiday job at Sephora and my first facial cleanser was bought. Up until that point, I either washed with body soap in the shower or slathered on Mom's St. Ives Apricot Scrub because it smelled nice and I could scare my brother with the "mask face". I've been using Philosophy's Purity in a Bottle for about 2 years but now wanted to move on to something new. It removed makeup, but the skin seems to have bored of it.

I know an Arbonne rep but I wasn't particularly interested in the products until I saw a friend using the FC5 Purifying Cleanser + Toner and raving about it. My skin isn't in the best condition these days. I wear heavier foundations and need something that will cut through the stuff and get it squeaky clean. I'm dry, but oily. My skin seems to be more prone to zits and blemishes now, and I have discovered that popping zits are super satisfying... Terrible, I know. I spoke to the rep Tamara, and at first, she gave me samples for the Calm and RE9 line. Calm is there no-fragrance, pure line which I didn't care for much and RE9 was nice but I wanted something wallet-friendly for now. Though she didn't have samples for FC5 at the moment, I took the plunge and bought the full size because, well, I had to! It's one of those things when I see someone use it, I decide "it must be mine...NOW!".

Very very pleased with the results. My initial fears of a cleanser made for oily/combination skin drying out my skin was put at ease. It's strong enough to cut through all the crap my face was slapped with through the day - the makeup, the kitchen grease, what ever pollution is in the air outside. It's gentle enough my usually flaking skin wasn't as bad and didn't feel tight like it does w/ harsher formulas. It also smells like strawberries! Not fake strawberry scent - but like real, freshly picked juicy red goodness! The toner part? I don't know about toner being counted as the same step as cleanser, but the product's finish is damn refreshing. Unless I had particularly heavy makeup on that day and want to go through a final wipe-down with toner and cotton pad, I'm good finishing off the routine with a light moisturizer. Been using it for a couple weeks now, and my face has gotten noticeably clearer and smoother.

$28 puts it in the lower price range with Philosophy and First Aid Beauty, but I find the performance to be far superior. And for the tiny pea-size amount per wash, I expect it to last 6 months or more. For dry skin, they have the FC5 Hydrating Cleaner + Freshener. Hope this helps those who are interested in Arbonne!

P.S. I was not in any way endorsed by Arbonne for this post. Those who know me well know that when I really love something I really like to let that be known. This is one of those times.

Clothing Giveaway

Clothing giveaway event at the Boston church was a big success - many happy girls with bagfuls of donated new and gently used clothing. Thank you Dr. Chie Kotake for your generous donation and making this possible! Hopefully we can plan to do a clothing swap in the future for everyone to participate in and bring a wide range of styles and sizes.