Taking the advice of Ira Glass, trying to focus on creating volumes of work in order to get better. For a while I've gone through the motions. Learned from workshops, shot, made money. My images improved and then, plateaued. While I got poses down, what I discovered is missing was soul, so I started reading literature, poetry, watching films. I've started immersing myself in little known sub-cultures and ignoring rules.
Julia Margaret Cameron, Neil Gaiman, Shostakovich, Dorothy Parker, This American Life. Long walks in search of lines, shapes and patterns. And life. Arthur Rackham, Issuu, binaural beats, David Byrne, Young Adam.
Am I moving forward? Getting lost again. What is it I want? Where is happiness? I've been asleep so long in the Doldrums, and I'm still here in its comfort of numbness, not allowing myself to feel or think, though really, pain is certainly there (yes, an actual ache in the chest). I'm nudging back, gradually turning into a shove. I am not out yet but the strength is building. Can't ignore the fact time keeps moving forward no matter how hard I close my eyes, how long I hold my breath. Like the recurring dreams. Running in molasses, drained of energy, trying desperately to escape. Trying to fight it by being present. Forcing myself to keep turning that page, run that extra quarter mile, pick up that pencil, push that shutter. Depression is a beast no one wants to believe in and excuses are his talons.
"But you don't have a degree, you're not poetic, those inspirational quotes are stupid, you don't deserve...you can't..."
No, shut up shut up SHUT UP! Your time has expired long ago. No more time to be reasonable. What was that quote about doing things in moderation? Oh yes..
"Moderation? It's mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It's the devil's dilemma. It's neither doing nor not doing. It's the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence-sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It's for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die. Moderation...is lukewarm tea, the devil's own brew." - Dan Millman (Way of the Peaceful Warrior)
Keep exploring, keep open, keep going. Depression is its own entity. It has motivation powered by its own purpose and he may never leave. I acknowledge its presence, but can't let it destroy my entire being, which may or may not be its goal. Who knows, I cannot ask. Anyways, again. Keep exploring, keep being curious, and above all,
Don't Fucking Stop.
Listen to Ira. Listen to Neil. Keep going.
Do it.
One step at a time. Keep going.
Finish it.
Fix it.
Laugh.
Repeat.
That's all. No more drama. Ok, not going to lie. Sometimes I just need to cry and scream about it into my pillow. Just for a moment let me indulge in this drug called self pity. Alright, I'm looking back down at my feet now, time to keep going.