Kah-Ram

Michiko

 

Otousan

♫ Japanese Breakfast - In Heaven ♫

You can purchase the incredibly beautiful blue vinyl or download the album from her Bandcamp page.

The dog's confused

She just paces around all day

She's sniffing at your empty room

I'm trying to believe

When I sleep it's really you

Visiting my dreams

Like they say that angels do

I came here for the long haul

Now I leave here as an empty fucking hole

Oh do you believe in Heaven

Like the way you believed in me?

Oh it could be such heaven

If you believe it was real 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Playing with Mitski and Jay Som at the Brighton Music Hall on June 22nd. Fittingly, on what would've been Dad's 63rd birthday.

Michelle Zauner's lyrics reminds me of how the first few months I would pace around the house restlessly, almost looking for him. Tried to move on too hard too early, because the pain was unbearable when I saw him breathe his last breath. In denial of his absence and hoping to find him just around the corner in the dark house, at the usual spots. Despite having couches, he preferred to sit and study on the floor, under the warmth of our kotatsu. It was the last place Mom saw him before it all happened. His last words being, "Oyasumi, beautiful Okaasan" (Good night, beautiful Mom). I wasn't there to kiss him good night. The last goodbye I said was a hurried one as I left their car during a red light. A quick peck on both parents' cheeks and I ran out the car, from traffic and towards South Station.

He always sat at this seat at the table where I now sit, closest to the computer where he watched Japanese folk-singing and conspiracy theory videos. Even though I was 26, he would still call me down to breakfast every morning, a Japanese breakfast. I keep expecting to hear the familiar shuffling of his feet, the gentle thuds as he struggled to climb up the stairs to my room. 

"Shino-chan, ohayo~ Shita de issho gohan tabeyo"

(Good morning, dear Shino~ Let's eat breakfast together downstairs)

To wake up to that gesture of love every morning, and then, silence... Though I know he won't come back, the hope lingers and every morning I wake there, I am greeted with disappointment and melancholy. Part of the reasons why I prefer to drive the extra hour commute and not stay at my family's.

I'm the dog, and I'm Michelle too.

Exactly 40 days after his passing, I dreamed he came back, albeit brief. On the hospital bed, the colors of his skin returned, the smell of death gone. I looked on in shock as I watched his limbs twitch and move to prop himself up. He opened his eyes, light brown, and looked at me. For a fleeting moment, I thought he was alive, and things would be back to normal. He didn't speak, but he told me with his look that everything was okay. There was no sadness in his gaze, with only what I could describe as pure love, and his smile. He had to go, and I got to say goodbye, hugging him for the final time before he laid back down, closing his eyes. The colors of the room left and I was alone again in the gray room with a corpse.

I don't believe in Heaven, but I want to believe it was really him.

Japan Festival

Thank you for the shot, Mike.

8 hours in the sun without protection. 

Ramen, Burgers, Arepas, More Ramen and Burgers. Beer and Chinese.

Very red faced.

Ran a few miles in the dark to Peter Frampton and Polica.

Took some photos with the film camera. Now to find a place that still develops it!

DaGreenRoom

Harmony Green's website ver. 2.0 is now live with my photos :) Check her out at DaGreenRoom.

P.S. She gifted me The Hat!

Oh my goodness

 Image source: Collectress official site

Collectress, found through the Gucci Resort '16 film. Reminiscent of Penguin Cafe Orchestra (Now not surprised to find their cellist plays for Penguin Cafe). Oh my goodness, how hard my chest beats. I've never bought an album so fast!

Something Old

 ♫ Smoke City - Underwater Love ♫

Self-Portrait, 2009

From when I was in a long-term abusive relationship. It was years of a terrible routine - anxiety, self-questioning, loneliness, therapy, crying and sleeping. Drowning in slow-motion. Fun times. I heard they have a term now for what he did - gas lighting.

♫ Thom Yorke - Harrowdown Hill ♫

Unrelated note: I loaded the camera with film for the first time since college. A little intimidated but let's see how it goes. Busy week full of shoots, plenty of opportunities for a quick (by which I mean slow, disciplined, well-composed) snap or two.

Weekend Eats

♫ Ryo Fukui - Scenery ♫

Masa on Tremont St. for brunch

Sugidama Soba & Izakaya for dinner

Colored Light Tests

♫ JUCE - (H)ours ♫

Revisiting images

♫ Cornelius - Sensuous ♫

-and applying new techniques.

Daneesha

♪ Daneesha Green / HarmonyG - Another Thing Coming ♪

 

Had the opportunity to once again photograph the talented singer/arranger Daneesha Green of DaGreenRoom

♫ Roxy Music - More Than This ♫

Daneesha

Dancing with songwriter/arranger Daneesha Green of DaGreenRoom. Incredible woman with the most contagious laughter.

♫ Half Moon Run - Throes ♫ 

Reminiscing of Music - a Silly and Reflective Personal Ramble

A long day of wandering between Kendall/MIT - Central Square today, thinking about the world, humans and commercialism. Haven't been bumped this off-kilter in years and I welcome the familiar feelings, albeit leading me to a dark and uncertain path, haha.

I did happen upon this lovely little book-exchange box on Broadway, and picked up Gary Soto's, "Why I Don't Write Children's Literature". It became my light and companion for the day, allowing my wounded psyche a much needed breather.

Today's Playlist:
David Byrne - Lead Us Not Into Temptation *from one of my all-time favorite films*
Fiona Apple - When the Pawn *ohhh isn't her smoky voice just delicious? "Criminal" and "Paper Bag" goes hand in hand. D:*
Sean Lennon - Friendly Fire
Charles Mingus - The Clown, Ah Um
John Coltrane & Duke Ellington
Astor Piazolla - Libertango
Tchaikovsky - The Seasons, June, Barcarolle *on repeat so I can learn*
Glenn Gould - Inventions & Sinfonias, Goldberg Variations

Jeeves & Wooster soundtrack
Vince Guaraldi - Peanuts Portraits
Thelonious Monk - Monk's Dream
Esperanza Spalding - Chamber Music Society
Andrew Bird - Fingerlings 4, The Mysterious Production of Eggs, Music of Hair *He's playing in Boston this weekend, the one Saturday I have to work! I rarely go out to concerts but...sigh..cry for a moment and move on.*

Much jazz, transporting me back to early childhood in Sacramento, when one day my parents discovered the jazz radio station and didn't touch the dial for the next 10 years. At age 7, purely a fan of classical music, jazz puzzled and piqued my interest as it was so...how say? Freeing, like...poetry. Poetry, as mentioned in a previous post, absolutely terrifies me. Jazz, or any non-classical music without it's rigid rules and structure, I couldn't (and to this day struggle to) grasp the concept of improvisation, and that untouchable quality fascinated and delighted me to no end. My background is classical ballet, Japanese folk dancing, and classical piano. You can't just up and do your own thing. I liked discipline, restraint, order. It was stable in its predictability.

Though the station was primarily smooth jazz with Brian Culbertson, Kenny G. and Diana Krall (She the only one I was truly interested in, sorry guys..), I being the nerdy kid looked further back into the history of jazz at the library and became enamored with Miles Davis, Nat King Cole, Jelly Roll Morton, Duke Ellington and John Coltrane (1). I borrowed whatever tape or cd I could. I pretended to be Billie Holiday or Ella Fitzgerald on the bed/stage. From there my curiosity branched out to Bossa Nova - Joao Gilberto and Astor Piazolla were early faves, and then on to the rest of the world's music. Every music has its story to tell, and I do love stories. Somehow it led to appreciation of Mongolian throat singing, Gregorian Chants, Bulgarian's folk songs, noise/experimental, the avante garde. All this was great until I was introduced to Ricky Martin in 6th grade the spring of 2000. From there began my downward spiral into mindless pop music as I struggled to find an appropriate label for myself and fit in as a teen.

Anyways, before it gets too depressing, point of the above is that today, it was just really nice to reconnect to my history of music appreciation. I thank my parents, their driving me to the library every dang day, their indulging me with the CDs from Costco and the Dollar store on birthdays bought with what little money they had. Thank you to all the public libraries, the safe-haven for quiet kids like me. And I thank the shamelessly curious pre-teen-years-kid-self. As I grow older, I become less ashamed of going through such seemingly random phases (2).

Notes:

(1): This isn't the first obsessive phase. When I was into horses, after I cleaned out the juvenile section of Marguerite Henry and Wesley Dennis, James Herriot and whatever facts DK Eyewitness could offer, I was hungry enough still to devour the adult section's "Equus in History of Art", "1001 Horse Breeds", and the "Equine Medical Reference". In addition, I learned to draw them well enough to win awards and recognition.. Then I accidentally ate and liked horse meat in Japan. I couldn't say I loved them the same ever since.
(2): Horse whispering, roaring twenties, German Expressionist films, The Spanish Inquisition and medieval torture devices, Carl Jung, Victorian seance, archery and weaponry, countertenors/castrati (Farinelli, Jaroussky, Moreschi), black&white films, Nobuyoshi Araki, Hiromix, Sam taylor-Wood, Gothic architecture, children's books, Interaction of Colors, chemistry are a few.